Messages of support and condolences...

Dear Robert:

My deepest condolences on your loss. You were incredibly loving & caring & supportive of Chuck for these many years. At this time of pain, I hope you can gain some comfort from the happy times that y'all experienced together.

most sincerely,

Gerry

Hey Rob...
I'm thinking about you...just want you to know...
Though a lot about Chuck...and you last night and today...
When things get better...I have a lot of things to talk with you about. Hang in there Big Man...I lost my best friend several years back...there is still a piece of me that's missing now, but now when I think about him...I think about the good times we had...it just took some time. It's funny how our mental image of people is...in my mind...I will always remember Chuck as the big 250 lb muscle man that I met in Tahoe many years ago...that's the way I want to remember him.
HUGS Big Guy!!!
Call if you need me for anything...
Haimes

Rob
I know you only through Chuck's fond memories (and catty as well - as Chuck can be). I was so taken aback by his death, and pray that his voyage and passage were peaceful.
To hear that he was in the hospital for the past two months is saddening. He was such an independent, but at the same time a person with predictability. No matter he enjoyed his daily activities. When he laughed, his eyes sparkled like the beautiful art glass he enjoyed. I hope you can get his photo added to the wall at The Cove.
I wish you strength during this difficult time, and although they are not truly embracing, I send you many HUGS. I would appreciate knowing of any arrangements for Chuck that you know. Thank you.
Ron

Rob - I'm sorry to hear of your loss. When reading your entries of him, it became obvious that you loved him dearly. I can be sure that wherever he is now, he's looking after you as you had for him. Thank you for introducing him to us...

Mike

many years ago...chuck was in my life...1976 to be exact...over the course of many years we lost touch and then regained it a few years ago...i always tried to stay in touch with chuck, and i will miss him...i am so sorry for your loss...our loss...chuck played a pivotal part in me becoming who i am today...

may he finally rest in peace,

richard aka mickey squires

Hello Rob,

I don't know what words could comfort you right now, but you are in my
thoughts. You were the kind of friend to Chuck that most people can only
dream about. Chuck probably appreciated the things you did for him more
than you knew.

Remember the good times. You are in my prayers.

John
Toronto

Hi Rob,

Our sincerest condolences regarding Chuck. He was a wonderful man and
will be deeply missed. Paul had been visiting him off and on for the
last month+ and really enjoyed the time they spent together. Are any
services planned? Please let us know if there is anything we can do
to help.

All our best,
-- Jim & Paul

I haven't written to you in a while (It's Norm in Canada). I was very, very sad to read your profile and see that Chuck had passed away. I often came across his profile on BMB, and pictures elsewhere on the web, and strangely, my first thought was always "there's Rob's partner", even though I knew you had not officially been a couple for several years. So in many ways, if complete strangers thought this, I somehow doubt that he didn't know how much you really loved him. I'm sure he did.

...

Norm

Dear Rob,

Thank you for writing. I am truly sorry to learn this sad news. I, too, am
glad his suffering has ceased.

Knowing Chuck has had you to lean on has been of great relief to me. Your
unconditional love and support has always touched and inspired me. Please
don't hesitate to call on me if I can do anything to assist you...

I was lucky enough to receive a call from Chuck a few days ago...

Best,
Chris

Hi Rob,

Dino wrote me this morning, and Ed from MS did yesterday to tell me the news.

I had such conflicting feelings about Chuck, literally at the extremes of feeling both good and bad, I didn’t expect it to impact me strongly but it did. My real hurt now, though, is for you.

Of all the people in Chuck’s life, he was most blessed to have found you, and you stayed with him all the way. I can only imagine what you meant to him, and how he must have known that. I will be very mindful of your own pain now, and keep you in my thoughts.

I have archives of a lot of photos from the days when Chuck and I were close friends, if you would like copies I’ll be happy to send them.

And after time passes a while and you are up to it, let’s try to say hi again when I’m back in SF.

Don

He was always so friendly to me thru emails, at the gym or on the street.
What a nice sexy man. Sorry, Mike

Sorry to hear he passed, I'd heard he wasn't doing well but didn't know it was that bad. My condolences to you mister, take care of yourself.
Jeff

Rob, I won't say I'm sorry because it won't make things all better. Nothing I can say would make it any less painful but if you need a shoulder to cry on, I'm all yours. The shining that was Chuck might be gone but his memories are still with you. Having very alternative spiritual beliefs, I believe he is in a better place now. If nothing else, he is free from the pain/suffering of his body.

Please let me know if I can do anything to help.

All my best to you,
Moby

I know you'll miss Chuck tremendously, but I also know it's a relief to know he isn't suffering anymore. For that I am grateful. You need to take it easy. I am glad your Mom is going out to help you. Give her a hug for me. You are in my prayers as you go through this difficult time. My love goes out to you.

I emailed your Dad and let him know about Chuck. I'm sure he'll be contacting you.

Take care of you.

My love to you,

Aunt Pam

Rob,
it was such a sad time for both of us.I just hope that you arent disapointed with all I told you.Chuck always described you as one of his most loyals friends to say the least.I am as well very sad and so guilty for having lost my PDA...Had me not lost it , I probably could be with him at the hospital.No matter what happend I feel so great that life blessed me in being as well responsiblei n order to meke his his life easier , pleasant and descent.I am sute that form now you have lots to take care.I wish I could help you.But no one is better than you to do this job.Be tranquil, I may anytime be in charge for any help if necessary.I will very much thank you taking all I told you as the truth not mot re than the truth. If I made myself thruthful and loyal for all I did to Chuck, it was wothy meeting you.From there we may consider continue with our thoughts about waht we should do.
Please do not hesitate contacting, so will I not!
Big hug
Rico

Rob,

My big red-head bear passed away, at 48, on September 3, 2003. I hope
he knew how much I loved him. I tried to get it across to him every
day we had together, especially during the 3 short months between his
diagnosis with lung cancer and his death. Two years later, my head is
still spinning. The suffering goes on, although its edges are worn
down, no longer so sharp. I didn't know Chuck. But if you need to
talk to someone who knows how it feels, let me know. In the meantime,
I will be thinking about you.

David,
Connecticut

Hi Rob,

I got back today from a developers conference in Orlando on UniData, XML, SOAP, blah, blah, blah. I've read all of the entries over the past 5 days in LiveJournal of my friends that I missed while I was there. You are the only other person that I read that is not on LJ. So a wave rushed over me when I saw the title for this entry. I knew, as I have been reading and commenting over the past 2 years, that this day was coming. And even though we try to prepare ourselves when we have time, it still hurts. I wish there was some magic phrase (Shazam just does not seem to help) to help you through this time with less ache and pain. You are someone that I admire because you are so giving and selfless and can be counted on to be there, like you were for Chuck.

take care
donald

Evening Rob,

I hope your BF is there to support you. It's tuff alone, but yet necessary at times to release the anger and rage and sorrow. I know. I had to be strong for my dad when my Mom died two years ago but in private I had my agony.

You have to know this an end to Chucks pain and suffering. I was so sad to hear of his strokes but yet our emails were good and he was upbeat as always.. going to Chef school now.. a student yet again! I was hoping to see him at lazy bear and when I didn't I figured he and his German buddy stayed close to town instead.

A ruff road but yet a burden has been lifted from your shoulders Rob, you did more than any other could or would for Chuck. Your example to others is profound, take gratification knowing you were key and instrumental in Chucks passing peacefully, but yet fighting tuff as usual to the end.. he was a good man in this world and I'm sure a formidable Soul in Heaven.

Hugs to you and lots of spiritual energy for the good things you have done.

Hugs are good let them come
Dino

Hey Again,

I know how you feel. I've been having a difficult time keeping a lid
on things today too. The man had such a powerful effect on my life
that I guess I shouldn't be surprised. However, I also remember being
in your shoes 10 years ago, when my partner Craig died in Toronto. It
was after a very long period of intensive care, where I was the primary
care giver. I remember very well the loss and complete dispair, but
also how heavy (for lack of a better word) things felt when I wasn't
crying my eyes out. It's so fucking hard.

I'll give you a shout tomorrow if that's cool.

Love,
Paul

I lost my father about 4 months ago. Nothing was simple about it. Nothing will be simple for you here, as Chuck was a part of your life by choice, not chance. If one may offer any words: don't expect too much from yourself now (expect "staring at the wall time"), accept the support of your friends and family, be grateful you're done with classes and need not give them your attention, and go ahead and honor your grieving. It is worth doing. You will grieve each individual thing you lost when you lost him, and remember that if it hadn't been so good, it wouldn't hurt so much today. My condolences and prayers for you. -R

Dear Robert.
Time passes and now our lives walk different paths. But I have some fun memories of times spent together with Chuck and you. Like the the day you competed for the Bare Chest calendar at the Eagle. When you were on stage Chuck was so excited and proud of you that he could barely contain himself. It was great watching you two in love and at the gym too. No one was as driven as Chuck on free weights. ... I hope the good memories will help you find serenity and you can be sure that he couldn't have had a better man next to him in his last moments. 
With all my Sympathy, Randy

Hello Rob,

OH My......
My prayers are with his family and friends......
I enjoyed the time I spent with him here on this earth...... Glad I was a part of his life
Kim

Good morning Rob,

I was so saddened to hear the news about Chuck. Thank you for letting us (IGRA) know about his passing. I had recently wondered how he was doing as I hadn't seen him in several years. We used to have lunch on a regular basis when he worked in downtown SF.

I met you guys years ago, when I first got involved in the rodeo and he was a judge and you were pulling gates. I was so intimidated by y'all. Never told Chuck that. Both of you were so handsome and full of life. As time passed and I got to know Chuck I felt so silly by my initial feelings. We had such great conversations just visiting over lunch and talking about all kinds of things. I regret having lost touch and not having continued that experience.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Jabby

Oh Rob,

That is very sad news to hear. I had such hopes for Chuck and his retirement dream. I will think of him always when I am at work and talking to people about their dreams. I know I will not forget him and neither will the others who had the chance to meet him here. Your words touched me in that I am very happy that he had something to look towards. Thank you for letting me know. I know you were a very good friend to him. I’m very sorry. I shared this with my co-workers who had the chance to meet Chuck and they send their condolences as well.

Marie

Rob,
My heart is out to you. Chuck is a wonderful man that made my early days with Gay Rodeo a treat. He always greated me by name and great big bear hug and sloppy wet kiss... His smile was contagious and there were many rodeos in the early days where I caught I smile or two from him...

I'm sure you know how lucky you were to have shared your life with him...and I know how much he will be missed by and all...

Regards,
RC

Rob,

My heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is for a loved one to die. I know how you are when you feel great and then suddenly...WHAM! You, as you said in your blog, have a meltdown.

I had decided to look up your website after almost a year of not viewing it. That and seeing your profile, I found out that Chuck had passed away.

Hey, we may not know each other, but please take note that there is someone out there who knows what you are going through. And, if you feel like no one understands, then shoot me an email. I want to be there for you.

Why? I guess that I have been fascinated with you over the years. I can't remember when I first saw you over the Internet. I think that I first saw Chuck on the now defunct Muscle Men on the Internet website...

Bob

Dear Rob

Chuck made a huge impact on my life and I'll never forget him. I've never known a sweeter, more beautiful man and I remember tears welling up in my eyes when I dropped him off at the Portland Airport for his return flight to SF. He never spoke much of his illness but had some pretty bad coughing spells the weekend he spent with me. I remember feeling the frustration and angrilly wishing I could make the HIV go away. I am so grateful for your strength in taking care of him...that is the test of real love and the love we all have for him, although strong, pales in comparison with what you have done for him. Thank you, Rob for doing what I could not do. I will hold that sweet man's memory in my heart for the rest of my life.

Bob

Hello Rob,

I was looking through my BMB account this morning when I clicked on
Chuck's profile, since he no longer "liked" me, and found out about
his passing. Chuck was the first or second person to click "I Like"
when I joined BMB and we exchanged emails for a while. He was
interested in my job as a truck driver and expressed interest in
riding along with me sometime. I told him we could do that, and made
arrangements with my employer and sent Chuck the necessary form to
fill out.

I did not hear back from him and just assumed it was a passing fancy
and didn't think any more about it. I had no idea he was so ill.

Most people don't live very interesting lives, so it's always a huge
shock when someone as dynamic as Chuck is gone. My favorite picture
of him is the one where he is at the wheel of the boat and has a huge
grin on his face. I'm very sorry I never got to meet him in person.

Chuck's passing is especially painful for people such as myself,
living with HIV and being reminded that even though we have all these
"wonderful" (NOT!) new drugs, there are still great people losing the
battle every day.

Thanks for being there for Chuck and double thanks for documenting it
on your blog.

Sincerely,
Jeff

Rob,

I read about Chuck's passing last week in your blog. I only met Chuck once at the 2004 Hairrison Street Fair and we talked for a short period. He seemed a very friendly, open fellow.

I am what might be called a "lurker" in the LiveJournal set. By this I mean an observer that usually keeps his distance but really doesn't join in. I remember the first times I saw both you and Chuck. It was on an Internet site called WoofWatch, probably in 1997. At that time I was living the life of a "suburban hermit" which sounds like an oxymoron but pretty much describes my social life at the time. Coming into another lifestyle would wait until 2001. Well, as time went on, Internet surfing would provide more fragments from which a picture slowly emerged of lives, relationships, and the dynamic interplay of personalities. Through your blog I got to see both the trials and tribulations of such a relationship. You are the best friend a person could ask for. Both Fuad and Chuck F. are very lucky. I feel a loss in Chuck's passing as both of you were touchstones in my life and now that one is gone. This loss though is very small in comparison to yours. All I can say is thank you for being there for him when he needed it. It is the truest measure of a friend.

Mark

Hi Rob,

I'm so sorry to hear about Chuck. My deepest sympathy to you and his family. I know how much he cared and loved you.

Sincerely,

Steve

I am so sorry for your loss. I read about everything you are going
through, and it is clear how deep your love for Chuck was/is.

I am certain it is clear to him, wherever he is now, how much you
love him through the manner in which you keep him alive in your blog.

Dan R

Hi Rob -

I hope you don't mind my writing - but I have only just seen about
Chuck on BMB, and I wanted to say how shocked and saddened I am to hear
of his death, and to offer you my sympathy.

He and I met only once; I was about to make one of my trips to San
Francisco, he got in touch through bigmusclebear and we arranged a
meet. We met at Starbuck's, got on well, and as I had my gym gear with
me, he drove me down to Golds on Brannan and we had coffee and a long
chat. That was all - but I have always remembered it because he seemed
such a nice man, and I always regretted that we didn't follow it up
with some more meets and chats. I was doubly shocked to read that he
was no longer with us as I was recently in SF again, and it happened
while I was there; I had no idea of course how ill he had become, and
it's hard to think that the lively and comparatively healthy man I met
is no longer here.

I lost my mother last November, rather suddenly, and though I still do
sometimes find it very difficult to accept that she is gone, I can
assure you that the old cliché is true, and the pain does get less as
the time passes - not that that can be much consolation to you at the
moment.

With sympathy and very best wishes,

Christopher

Hi Rob,
Some 5 years ago or so, we exchanged a few emails when i was moving from
NY to CA. Connected to your blog via a link in a friend's journal, and
have caught up on your life. You are conducting yourself very admirably
at a most difficult time. Given the apparent deep, unconditional love
you have for Chuck, on some level, you may very well have a thought of
him every day for the rest of your life. Friends have advice; "it just
takes time", "you'll get through this", "he's better off", "be strong",
blah, blah, blah. That's ok in the moment, and it's good to have the
support. The reality is that it's extraordinary to have had someone
that affected your life so profoundly, and it continues within you. How
could anyone want to set that aside, or hope to forget about it.
Clearly, for you, it's not obsession or wallowing in misery. You
learned, grew and have even moved on to a successful new love. Take
solace in your thoughts. You and all the important people in your life,
past and present, deserve that much.
Rich

Rob,
I have read your blog for the past year and have never commented. However, I want you to know that I have the ultimate respect for you. Tears have streamed down my face several times just reading your blog. I cannot imagine your pain - I have a lover going on 18 years, and cannot fathom the pain that you are in. Thank you so much for sharing your life with the people that read your blog. May you find peace with the fact that Chuck is now at peace also - and that he will always be with you in your heart.

Jim

Rob - we met a year and a half ago when I made my first trip to SF, and to meet Chuck - hoping that what we had thought was a connection via email and phone might develop into something more...As it turned out, that deep connection was not to be, but we did become friends of a sort...Anyway, you might or might not remember me, but we had come by so that Chuck could borrow your camera to take with us to Sausalito, where Chuck was going to show me around. We had a great weekend together, with him as the excellent tour guide that he was.....:-).....we took pictures of each other, but, to my chagrin, I accidentally erased my memory card before I got a chance to download the pics....After that weekend, we talked less and less, although I did try to get Chuck to come with me to Mardi Gras in New Orleans - I even had a date lined up for him - someone who actually had had a crush from a distance for years (at least from pictures), but he decided not to go. I did stay with him last year for a few days when I came out for Folsom. He was awfully thin from that bad infection he got from the mosquito bite, and couldn't come down to Folsom St that afternoon for a few hours. It was nice to see him then, even if I was really worried about him. I gradullay lost touch with him, even though I tried to get him to return my emails and phone calls. Several months ago I heard from a mutual friend, Ed, that he had had another stroke, and was doing poorly. I again tried to contact him, but got no response - I think that I assumed that he was feeling too bad to answer back. Then, last Wed, as I was checking my email before flying out for Folsom this year, I read an email from Ed telling me that Chuck had died, which really hurt...it was a rough travel day for me, full of anger at myself for not pursuing answers to my emails a little more strenuously, and sadness, yet glad that he was in no more pain. As I sit here watching To Kill a Mockingbird, I cry a little for him and for you, and for all the Chucks and others that I have known and have gone. I enjoyed the trip to SF this time, but I did see a little of him everywhere I went, since he was the one who introduced me to the city. I was even at Real Bad myself for a while....:-)

Anyway - I felt that I should write and tell you how sorry I am - I wish that I could be there for the memorial service. If, by chance, you should come across any of the pics of me he took that trip, I would love copies of them....just a little remembrance for me of what fun we had. Hopefully we can say hello to one another the next time I'm in SF....Again - sorry for your loss - time does heal all wounds, even if it does leave little scars on our hearts...:-)

Geoff

Not excepting a note back, you have so much going on. Yesterday I surfed BMB like I usually do to keep up with the crazy guys around the country and world and came across your profile. Went to your link. And then I was pulled into this incredibly amazing journey. I have just finished most of your blog. From laughter to tears and back and forth. You are a genuine and amazing person. Your friends are extremely lucky to have you in the journey we call life.

Your honesty and skill in putting your thoughts into words is... lets see:

Eye opening
Life changing
Inspirational
Effective and Affective
(now I have e-mailer's block)
...

Keep your head up, and know that you are being thought of all the way to the East Coast. There is nothing anyone can say or do that will speed up your healing, only time. Keep those you care about close while you are going through the process.

Thank you.

Big hug,

Joe

hi rob,

i just ran across the notice on your bmb profile about chuck's recent
passing. although i didn't know chuck well, we used to chat online
from time to time, and i would often see him around the castro, so it
was sad news for me. while it was clear that his illness was taking
more and more of a toll over time, he seemed friendly and smiling
whenever i saw him, and his strength impressed me.

thanks for posting the info online.

--phil

Hello Rob, I was gone for a while, consumed with personal business, a diversion that life brings. I have so much going on now with ... and yet it pales in comparison was I read your entries over the days I was gone. I am saddened to think.. with all of this I cannot make it out for the Memorial for Chuck. I can see him saying 'it's OK I know you're busy' but after reading his Christmas letter to you, you shared with us, it makes me think, do I smell the roses.. often enough. Sometimes I think to myself. I have smelled them once,, I remember what they smell like,,, when I have time. The truth is, no rose is alike. Like you, Like Chuck,, individuals uniquie in every way. Each with so much to offer, a fragrance unto themselves. How is it in our world we have become so mundane to ignore basic beauty in others. Yes, you are right Chuck lived a blessed life, yes you are right, if you loved him for just a ! short time he could make you angry and make you happy in the same instant, living life with his passion that never changed. I am better for have knowing Chuck, and luck to have had his love even for a short time. God bless Chuck and you and his family there in SF. No more pain, no more fear, no more anxiety, he can sail again! Love and hugs. D

Hello Rob,

I'm not sure if it helps for me to say this, but I can identify with what you're going through. In March, Steve and I lost a good friend. Ben had been HIV-positive for over 15 years, but he was struck and killed by a drunk driver while walking his dog. Our shock and grief was immense, as was our sense of injustice.

In the weeks following his death, I had more than a couple of breakdowns at work, and more than six months later, I still get misty-eyed. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him.

Obviously, we weren't as close to Ben as you were with Chuck, so I can imagine that your pain is particularly intense. But what I mean to say in sharing our story is that I think what you're going through is normal and natural, and that you have our full sympathy.

I have no doubt at all that you were a very good partner and a very good friend to Chuck. From what I can tell, being with him gave you a place to be loving and kind. Perhaps it also gave you the chance to heal wounds created when love and kindness were not always extended to you. With Chuck's passing, it makes sense for you to miss him. It also makes sense that you would feel the loss of these loving opportunities deeply.

Our thoughts and prayer will continue to be with you.
Andy

Robert-
I am glad I ran into you too. I am glad you felt somewhat better after talking. I am glad you took me up to see the apartment. When I walked out the front door onto the sidewalk, I just broke unsuspectingly into tears. I had to stop on the corner and stand for a while. Even though I hadn't spoken to Chuck in almost a year, as I walked the street the past two days, I was expecting to see him somewhere, as usually would happen, and I was looking for it to happen. There are multiple times I have walked past the Cove over the years, and seen him sitting having breakfast in the front window. As a matter of fact, even the day before yesterday, I looked inside, when I passed by, thinking he might be in there, because he wasn't sitting in the front window at the time. San Francisco without Chuck somewhere ... no ... that doesn't seem possible. I understand what you mean about the image of Chuck in bed at the hospital after they! called you. I was at the apartment of my first friend that died of AIDS back in 1986 here in SF, and there is something about Dirk laying there in that bed after he died, that doesn't leave my mind. And when you said you touched his hand and it was still kind of warm, it reminded me of when I touched my grandmothers hand at her funeral, and she didn't squeeze my finger back like she always did, and I knew I had really lost something. I never forget that feeling. I think I unsuspectingly broke in to full fledged tears when I walked out of the apartment building onto the sidewalk, because the reality enveloped me that a friend was gone. Through the highs and lows, and ups and downs, I did have a friend in Chuck, and news of the loss didn't feel good.

And you were a real trooper, in your friendship and dedication and caring for Chuck. That is very special Robert. Not enough can be said.

...

Sammy.

Dear Rob,

First, the deepest thanks for asking about Donna and me. We’re doing well, even though our spirits sunk over such sorrowful news. However, because of your extended kindness and consideration, especially during this time of grief, our hearts are lightened. This is especially true after reading your remembrances of Chuck, his triumphs, his travails, and his lust for life.

But as all things are the sum of its part, you were of Chuck as he was of you. Meaning that the whole eternally remains even as the parts change shape and form. And from our small perch in both your lives our tiny window of time we could not only see but feel the loving respect you had for each other.

And respect is what Donna and I always had for Chuck. Yes, he truly was a fighter, fearless and open. He reminded us of many of my old rugby pals who both gave no quarter nor took any. Hemingway would call this being honest and true.

With Donna just losing her Father, we too have been going through this time where past and present seems like quicksilver running through your fingers with strange disorientations being the Now and the Future being mercury just balling in your stomach, or flattening thin past possible at the bottom of your soul.

If you wouldn’t mind, we’d like to extend this poem to you. One Donna often recites at times like these. It’s from Emily Dickinson and relates to the passing of the two loves in her life. Her Father. And a man she loved from afar.

My life closed twice before its close;
It yet remains to see
If Immortality unveil
A third event to me,

So huge, so hopeless to conceive,
As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of heaven,
And all we need of hell.

I’ll end by saying, that as Donna and I are already committed to others on Saturday, our thoughts will be with you and hope that you might, for just an instance, think of us, including our spirits in Chuck’s circle of friends.

Sincerely,

Peter and Donna

Dear Rob,

This will reach you after Saturday, and I actually gave serious thought to coming for Chuck's service. But that is not my place, instead I will be here and pause at the appointed time and pray, in Christ's name for you, Chuck, and all of those I love - for the Peace that surpasses all understanding. Be at peace, you are entitled to it.

You had a wonderful partner, in Chuck, and I really learned from your blog and your emails over the years, how much love can be expressed particularly between two men. You have been a strange blessing to me as have other men here. I am thankful daily to have known each of you.

You have been in my thoughts and prayers for weeks. Upon my reading about Chuck I was grief stricken and being a soft heart I wept. Strangely, we have never met other than the emails about my weird life, my wife's cancer, etc., and in some ways I learned how to be stronger because of you.

Yes I go to church weekly, still, with my wife, realizing that I can still lose her, either to cancer or because of my sexual preferences. As I sit there I hear a wonderful announcement of Love, Grace, and Peace, in a particularly Lutheran format; all I can think of is how do I share the beautiful side of all this...in the midst of sickness, anger, war, and the endless array of heart breaking information.
I look at it this way, I am marked, for both Life and Death. In actuality there is a vow that was taken about this earlier in my life, for me it will not change.

Reality gives me the jolt from time to time just how frail we are. This is one of those times. There is a part of the Nicene Creed during the service in which I am reminded of this frailty, in which I cross myself at the appointed moment when we say " and the life + of the world to come"... I know there is more, we are not here just for now, even with our frailties. For now we are to touch, love, make an impact, and leave a path behind. To my thinking Chuck left a world of love behind him - he really loved you.

Know above all else that until I know that I cannot pray for you, friends, and loved ones I will.
You have all touched me deeply, be at Peace - leave a path.

your friend,
Rod

Hey Rob;

Glad the Memorial went well...wish I could have been there...
I did do the AIDs walk and I made a T-shirt with an old picture of you, Chuck and Myself from quite a few years ago on it and wore that... I've started to send you some of my correspondence...I've been going through some of it...I'll send it to you soon.

I thought about you and Chuck a lot this weekend...several folks wanted to know how we met... I remember meeting you guys at Sugar Bowl...Chuck dropped your wedding ring through the grating at the lodge...I'm sure we were quite a sight...all three of us on hands and knees butts up in the air...trying to fish it out with a coat hanger! I remember what a huge couple of guys you were!

Chuck and I spent several morning at the Cove having breakfast...just talking...learned a lot about Chuck there. I used to call Chuck every Thursday night and talk...we alway made each other laugh... The last couple of years he sort of reclused...but occasionally he would answer the phone and he was alway like the old Chuck... I wish I could have spent more time with him...Glad I got to talk to him a few time before he went back into the hospital... I always felt like there was sort of a connection for us...Chuck said it was because we were Geminis and were both Hardheaded as Hell! Both of you were a big inspiration for me.... Now it's time for you to heal...Not that you don't already know this...He loved you very much!!! HUGS... Haimes

Hey Rob,

Just checking in to see how things are going today.

I read your blog from Wednesday. I remember so well going down this
road before. I think the worst thing is having to accept the fact that
life will change, and will now be different. You want it to be the
same. It won't. You want him back, so he can keep loving you and
needing you, and you can keep loving him. He can't come back. You
can't go back.

Life will eventually start to move forward. Till then, it will suck,
be fucked up, and hurt like hell.

Let yourself cry. Let yourself fall apart. Get mad. Scream. Do
whatever you need to do.

The only way to describe it, is to let it pierce you, then cleanse you.

My heart is with you.

Love,
Paul

Rob,

I hadn't neard from you for a while and wondered what might be going on in your life. Today I saw your blog and read about Chuck. I'm so sorry. Let me know if there's anything I can do. Thanks for sharing your experience, as painful as it was, with others like me.

Take care,
Keith

It's just the fact that I remember logging in, and he was the first I
spoke to. You forget the assholes, the idiots and morons. But you
always remember the nice guys who looked at you for a spilt second, gave
you the time of day, and did something nice (not becuase they had to in
order to get something outta it) just to do something nice. It was the
fact that he made me feel welcome. He smiled and made me laugh. Plus, it
was my first time I was on ICUII (back when it was the good version 3.1
in 2000). He's never seen my ugly mug before...LOL
I don't know whether you're religious or spiritual (and I'm not saying
that I am cuz I'm not) but I do beleive that Chuck's spirit is and
always will be there with you. When I was a kid, my mother used to tell
me that if you dream about somebody you love that you lost, it means
that their spirit is right there AND wil never leave you. Plus she also
used to tell me and i quote, "if it doesn't kill ya, get off your fat
ass and move on becuase it's not doing yourself or even the person you
lost anygood just lying there." She was a harsh woman, but honest.
Sometimes i wonder if she was right. NO BIGGY.
Again Rob, I am deeply sorry for your loss. Do whatever you gotta do.
You take care and stay strong my friend.
JOE

Rob,

I want to thank you for being so thoughtful to send me your letter about Bill. I am very saddened by the news. I feel so strange talking about Bill (I'm sorry I know you called him Chuck, but I feel more comfortable calling him by the name I knew for so many years), knowing he has passed away.

I met Bill when we were about 8 or 9 years old. I lost track of him after I was about 20 years old. I found his name on the internet in 1998 and made contact with him by phone. The letter you refer to was a result of that phone conversation. Bill always made a point that his name was Charles William Barricman Jr. III. He impressed all of us with it. Remember, this was the late 50's early 60's, kids were much more innocent and naive then.

I must admit, after I found his name on the internet, it led me to the Lazy Bears website, which surprised the hell out of me. Not because I discovered Bill was gay, he was always surprising me and his buddies about a lot of things, but because he was such a hit with the girls when we were young that I was always envious about how easy it was for him to have them swarm all over him. But then after seeing photos of him on the website I became envious again because he had such a great physique. When Bill would go live with his Mom, usually during school, he would always come live with his "Nana" during the summer and holidays. She lived on the next street from my house and I spent a lot of time with his summertime family which included his Aunt Mary and Uncle Walter (both were single). They were all great people.

I read much of your weblog and your sincerity and warmth had me filled with sadness, but also a contentment knowing that he had a lot of friends who were there for him. The thing that came across the most was the love you showed for Bill and I think you can be very proud of the support you gave him when he needed you. He obviously had high standards when he picked his friends.

I have many little stories about Bill growing up that may just bore you, but if you are interested I will share some of them with you. Nothing exciting, but it seems based upon your weblog that Bill hadn't changed too much from when he was a kid. He was always getting into trouble and at the same time we always had a lot of fun. I think what Paul said in his eulogy "We loved him at his best, and hated him at his worst, usually during the same day" was a perfect description of Bill, even when he was a boy.

Although I haven't seen him for many years, I truly will miss him, he was one of a kind.

Thank you again for writing and if you just need someone to "talk" to please feel free to use my email address.

Sincerely,
Dan

Rob,

I apologize about the delay in answering your e-mail. At .... we are undergoing a migration from one system to another and so not everything works out. Some days there are printing problems and other days the e-mail doesn't work and other myriad problems.

I was at the ceremony for Chuck and even came through the line to shake your hand and said something about Chuck's smile. I sadly lack some of the social graces for occasions like this and I probably should have introduced myself. Looking back I was feeling a little out of place, sort of like those test questions that starts, One of these things is not like the other. . . . From the back of the hall I realized how very different I might appear from the rest. When explaining what I look like I usually tell people that I am what the homeless look like in the cities down the Peninsula. Time and again as I walk the mile or so from the train station to the ....'s Menlo Park facility people on the sidewalk have crossed over to the other side. I also remember coming back to work a month or so after the knee surgery last year. I decided to come in for about half a day's work and was walking down the street on two crutches and here comes one of the people from my building doing his noontime walk. I said "Hello Allan" as I passed and there was a sort of quizzical look on his face. Later that day he asked me if that was me out on that street and I said yes. He then told me he hadn't said anything because he thought I was a homeless person and was going to ask for some money. Sometimes perception clouds vision.

As I mentioned in an earlier message the only time I ever met Chuck was at the Harrison Street Fair in 2004. He too had a quizzical look on his face as we talked. It must be very strange and somewhat disconcerting to have people come out of a crowd when you least expect them and start conversing about things. I also remember writing to him once just before attending a Lazy Bear (maybe 2003) and saying that if I saw him there I'd try to get my nerve up and come over and say hello. His reply was "YOU BETTER COME OVER AND SAY HI". That year he did not attend, but I actually got my nerve up and did go up to several people, who I though might know his whereabouts, to ask if they had seen Chuck around Guerneville (these included Frank Martini and Jim of Beefyboyz (don't know his last name)). That year I even had a moment like that back at the Bunkhouse veranda when someone came up to me and said he had a friend out on the lawn beyond the campfire who was too shy to come up and introduce himself. So I went over and spent an hour talking to him and his partner. It turned out that his partner knew a fellow who now works in my division at the USGS from his time at Stanford. It is a small world indeed.

I had thought about saying something at the ceremony, but decided that it really might have sounded a bit odd coming from a person connected only to Chuck through the Internet. As I said before the first images of you and Chuck were on WoofWatch. This may have been a place where Chuck posted pictures without telling you. As i remember there was a comment on the page about having "professional wrestling type" pictures taken in the future. I will say that I was probably more attracted to him than you as I perceived him to be closer to my age (at present I am 54). I had been in the process of re-inventing myself (quintessentially American) and felt that I needed to gain an understanding how people my age were living, but that this re-invention did not require input from people much younger than myself (a bad conceit on my part). Through the time between that time and the present I came to a realization that Chuck could really be a handful. I guess that the fellow who commented that Chuck could take you from ecstasy (actually I think he used another word) to exasperation in the time span of a day sort of crystallized the image I developed in my mind. I once remember that he wrote that he was looking for a workout partner in his profile at BMB so I asked him what he was looking for. He replied that he was looking for someone positive, who would not say no to trying things. This seems to typify his life credo to life to its fullest and that it is better to try things even if you may fail than not to have tried at all and regretted it later.

Also during this time I came to a better appreciation of younger people. This mainly is a function of reading your blog and others. Through this last year the chronicling of events revealed the true love you had for this man. Sure there were exasperating times as noted, but the deep underlying message conveyed a deep love of Chuck. As I mentioned in an earlier message I wish I knew where this "ocean of compassion" arises and how to tap it in myself. This is something for me to work on in the future. As I read other people's journals and blogs, I see them questioning if what they write has any meaning. To them I would say you never know how many people are out there in this age of the Internet whose lives you are affecting. Also I believe that people do live on through the lives of the people they have touched in one way or another. For Chuck, if we live fuller lives we will honor him and the message he brought.

Mark

Dear Rob:

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lived in SF a long time ago. But I worked in
area where I would see Chuck walking around. I think he loved flirting with
Red Heads. How could you miss a man with that kind of body and smile? He and
I spoke on occasion on the street and at times at the gym. Secrectly, I
... but was to afraid to say
something. He was always sweet and in good spirits. I know heaven has a body
building angel with facial hair looking down on the world. Take care. Please
know that even strangers think of you right now because Chuck left such a
lasting impression.

Ken

Hi Rob, John here.
I sent you a short message, but wanted to write a regular email at first.

I was very sorry to read of Chuck's passing. I've often passed through the BMB site admiring the pics, and I won't lie in admitting I had always admired and envied your profiles. Both very handsome and from the way your relationship was described by the other - very uplifting.

I was fortunate enough to get to trade emails with Chuck when I first came out, and shared how I admired the pics of you two. Being new to the M4M life, he instantly took on a bigbrother role during the short time we talked - letting me ask any questions, but mostly educating me on always being safe - and instilling in me to never do anything I wasn't comfortable with. It was refreshing meeting someone like him on line. Especially since he took the time to talk with an admirer, and to befriend someone he didn't know.

I was very sad, when I saw your profile - and saw the message by his pic - "Gone, but not forgotten". I did not know - so, it saddened me to learn of his passing, but to also realize the loss you have experienced. I am so sorry for that.

Please know, you, your family, and Chuck's family are in my prayers during this time Rob.

I pray for you to have strength and peace in taking things day by day.

BigHug,
JOHN

Hello Rob.

You and I have chatted a few times over the years. My
name is Dop and I am profile #xxxxx on xxxxxxxx.

Last night, someone sent me a link to your blog and I
read about Chuck's passing and the pain you are going
through. Your words are a true memorial. I went to
bed last night thinking about the conversations Chuck
and I had online over the years as well.

I remember when I started talking to him and he told
me about you, then I found out about your breakup.
After awhile, he and I chatted more and I remembered
being so flattered that he considered me attractive.

I ended up ridding myself of AOL back in early summer,
and then suffered some medical problems of my own in
August - a heart attack and open heart surgery. I
became a bit out of touch with many of my online
acquaintances.

I knew Chuck was ill, but only learned through your
site that he had passed. And I felt very sad last
night. Ironically today, his profile popped up on the
top of the BMB site, which spooked me at first until I
read what you have probably been updating.

Anyway, I just wanted to say hello. Its amazing the
number of people a life meets. And as close as you
might be to someone, you never really know all the
people he has touched in his life.

Good luck as you move on. You have always been an
inspiration to me as well.

Dop

My very dear and sweet Rob,

How curious to hear from you. I was thinking of the both of you recently and so I am not entirely surprized. Was going to send you some Islamic stuff since its certainly been about a year.

You must be reeling from Chuck's death. Chuck stopped returning my phone calls a long time ago but in the 90s we had some great conversations. He was a complex mix of appetites with a zest for being a man, a drive for men, sex, sailing and just exploring lfe. He certainly, lived. We last corresponded in the fall of 2003 and I once again asked him to call. I'm sorry he didn't.

I hope the passing wasn't difficult. And that he was surround by those who loved and cared for him. Were you able to be there? I hope so. He cared deeply for you and was proud of you and what a stud you were becoming. And when you refused getting fucked by Frank Martini. LOL. He talked about you constantly to me.
...

We never met but he struck me as being such a mix of conflicting passions, so many drives and needs and often making decisions which made me chuckle. I even tried to talk him out of ione or two things in my rather analytical way of life. (read, excruciatingly analytical) Taking risks was a big part of his idea of being a guy--as it is with most men, gay or straight. But he felt the events of life deeply and I hope he found love and meaning. He was so happy when the drawing teacher at a place he had modeled for nude in SF called him an "alpha male." He certainly was. He lived, large.

We had much in common. We shared all the HIV grief and shit about that. Anabolics, bodybuilding and very often the same taste in men. ...

It will be a long time for you to get over this. I hope you have some one else in your life to hold you, let you bury you head in their chest and stratch you on your back. I am just now beginning to get my emotions settled after loosing Carl. We men are often very, very slow. But it sounds as if you've a full life now and if I can be of any help, please let me know. We still haven't met yet either. It was so kind of you to inform me about this. And please forgive me for going on about Carl. I will think about Chuck tonight and how fortunate I was to have known him. He was certainly fortunate to have had you in his life. You're a good man. As trite as it is, he will be there inside of you always.

...
And on that note I dug out my grammar books two days ago and thought of you. I was thinking of putting in some time to try to pick up the language again perhaps. I did formally study for three years a long time ago. But we'll talk about that again another time. I've been rather verbose at it is. My best to you. Jim

Hi Robert,

It's been a long time since we last talked and obviously a lot has happened. I am very late in hearing about Chuck's passing - I had no idea until I read your blog tonight. I'm so very very sorry. Chuck and I lost touch over the years, but I always wished him the very best. I feel the same for you and I hope each passing day is better. I've never lost anyone as close as Chuck was to you, but I've drenched my carpet more times than I can remember and I have to admit the water works were flowing just reading your blog. All my best to you and I hope you're doing much better. It sounds like it.
...
Drop me a note sometime when you feel like it. It would be great to see you again sometime.

Hugs,
Matt

Hi Rob,

I gess I understand what you are feeling after Chuck passed away. My boyfriend passed away as well, almost 14 years ago. I believe that, for how long I will live, every day he stays with me in my mind. But life goes on. And on behalf of the memory of those we loved and loved us and are no longer with us, we have the duty of trying hard to be happy, as much happy as we can be. They also loved us and would like to us to be happy, so we owe them to try to be very happy.

BE HAPPY, Rob.

Julio

Hey Robert,

I'm Randy, Paul's partner. We've known each other for years. I met you back when you and Chuck were together. I am so sorry for your loss. Chuck was a very special man to me. I only knew him from the gym, bar, and the Castro, but he always treated me with respect and acceptance. I don't consider myself to be one of the beefy crowd, but that didn't seem to mind to Chuck. He was friendly and accepting anyways. He was a wonderful man and will be missed greatly.

I wanted to let you know that I sent the following email to the guys at the Beefyboyz website. It would be nice to see that Jim could do something for Chuck on his website since he was such a big part of the Beefyboyz tribe.

Again, I am sorry for YOUR loss. I'm not sure you remember me or not.

Be well my friend
Randy

Hi Rob,

Remembering Chuck and you on this day.

Sending OMs of peace and love, knowing that Chuck rests in the arms of the
divine. And that your heart will mend in time with all the goodness and
love that you shared and which will return to you a hundredfold for the
rest of your life. Love is eternal.

You've certainly experienced a lot in your forty years on this planet.
Grief is one of our most powerful life teachers. At least you have a
current partner and a wonderful set of friends that were there to accompany
you through your loss. I can't say that if I were confronted with terminal
illness I could count on the same support. And this come from someone who
is 10 years older than you, and without a partner.

...

Be well,

Tom-Albany NY

Dear Rob:

Hi my name is Michael and I just heard today about the passing of Chuck. I am so sorry about your loss, he was the sweetest, sexiest and the hottest man I ever chatted with. I have a profile on BMB, xxxxx. That where I chatted with Chuck. I am going to miss him, I think he is going to be miss by alot of people that he chatted with. I cant believe that he was in great shape and he still succumbed to AIDS. Shit I wish they would hurry up and find a cure for HIV/ AIDS, I am tired of hearing about friends and people lossing this battle. I want to thank you for keeping his profile up, I do have some pics of Chuck on file, so when his profile is taken off, I can look at his pics. I also read that the memorial service was held on my birthday, I know that isnt a birthday present to give, but I am glad that everybody celebrated his life on that day. HUGS and take care Michael.

Dear Rob,
I came across your blog site today, while boredom browsing at work. I was so intrigued, enthralled & enraptured by your entries that I could not stop reading. I eventually had to unglue myself from your site in order to get back to work. I forwarded your link to my home email address so i could continue my reading on my own time.
The main reason I am writing to you is to extend my deepest sympathy on your loss. After reading your thoughts & memories on Chuck I had to contact you. I have never been more moved by something than by your love for Chuck, your patience with him & your sensitive feelings.
I hope that you are doing better with your loss and i hope that you are taking care of yourself.
Thanks for sharing your feelings and for your honesty. Leesa

Rob,

I came across your website with writing about Chuck's passing and I was extremely moved. Your writing is eloquent and your inner spirit is evident. I can only hope the waves of grief become more gentle over time. Please know that your writing made me look at life in a different way, and for that I am grateful.

Jeff

Rob,

Sorry to hear the passing of Chuck who I had the pleasure to have chatted at Starbuck's on 18th street in SFO. I just found out of his passing when I opened BMB just now and looking at your wonderful profile. It is very nice that you are keeping his profile open till the end of the year. I am very sad to hear he passed away. I hope it was not painful for him.

Please feel free to contact me.

I am xxxxxxx on BMB or BigMuscle

Regards,
Marc

Rob,

Wow...what a weird night!

I'm sitting in the business office of the Marion Indiana Nights Inn. I've been reading your blog for well over an hour. I didn't know....

I would love to think I could say something you haven't already heard a thousand times. I can't be arrogant enough to think I could say something that could touch you. You've been through so much.

He's been gone for several months and I didn't even know it....I feel so ashamed.

I want to share a few things with you, some ways that you and Chuck changed my life. I hope you'll take the time to read on but I understand if you don't.

When I first saw you on the internet I was blown away.

I pretended to have another reason for visiting SF...I was "going to be in the area" and although I did take advantage of the trip in a few other ways (sight seeing, NAMM show etc...) the main reason was to meet the both of you. Yes, it was a partially a sexual urge but I never really thought anything would happen... Well, also I had not eaten solid food in weeks in preparation to meet you. I couldn't bare the thought of you guys thinking I was a fat kid. I realized you were spending time with me to be kind, to fulfill my fantasy at least to some extent. You were both so kind to spend time with me, I'll never forget it. I'm still honored. I have never again made such a trip....never even considered it. No one else has ever made me feel that strong about meeting.

If it were not for you and Chuck I would have never gotten into body building. It's been an almost daily occurrence since we first chatted on the internet and one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

When you took me to Chuck's place and we waited for him to get home I was nervous. When he came home and I heard his deep voice I was scared. He was such a presence to me. I'll never forget how attractive he was that day.

Several weeks after my visit I chatted with him on the internet. He knew I was very attracted to you and dying to have any sort of contact you would allow. He asked me why, with all the guys in the world why was I chasing his partner. I could tell he was very hurt. I knew he didn't feel threatened by me but at the same time I could tell how inappropriate I was acting. I stopped attempting to make contact on the internet so much and stopped phone calls altogether partially because during this conversation I realized how much you meant to him. Also I realized that if you had a amazing guy like this how could I ever have a chance. I actually told him that I would never contact you or him again out of respect for your relationship. Chuck asked me to not go that far with it. He said that he welcomed my attempts to talk with both of you as long as I understood the situation and could act appropriately. I was so happy he didn't take me up on my offer of no contact.

I could go on for hours....there are so many times that I have shown friends your pictures and said....right there...that's what I want to look like. These guys are the model. These guys are the perfect specimen. I think you get the picture.

Thank you for the inspiration!

Here I go again...doing the same thing I always do when I send email to you....I type a sentence....try to figure out the worst possible way you could take it and then erase it. At the risk of being reckless I'm going to ask a favor of you and I'm going to leave it in this time......

If you ever talk to him through prayer...meditation...whatever....please thank him for me. I'm sure you're the one he'll listen to if he can. Both of you have been larger than life to me for a long time and both of you still are. I wish I would have thanked him for the inspiration before he left. After meeting you guys I knew it was OK to be me, be gay and look for someone to spend my life with. You guys seemed so happy and now I've become happy following your pattern.

Sincerely,
Paul

Rob,

I linked to your page from a friend of mine in Washington D.C. My name is John Marshall and I used to date one of your roommates Joe Lorenz. I was writing to express my condolences on the passing of a great man, Chuck B. I was in Ft. Lauderdale visiting my friend Chris Mitchell and he told me the news while we were reminiscing about our lives in San Francisco before we both moved. I'm so sorry.

I read a few of your entries your deep appreciation of love and caring is evident, you are a good person. I have lost two very good friends and the memories of good times and bad are what I cherish, ugh sometimes I just can't look at the pictures for too long though. You take care of yourself, enjoy yourself with Fuad, and perhaps when I visit SF, I will run into you on the streets.

I hope you don't think it was weird or bizzare to write, I just wanted to say something.

Regards,

John

Hello Rob. I wanted to thank u for ur letter telling me about Chuck. I had heard from my friends Daddy Jim from Beefy Boyz and his partner Pete.Pete is the one who told me. Getting ur letter today makes me feel like part of Chucks family and I really appreciate it.I wish I could have met him in peson when I was there on vacation last January. we tried to connect and never did meet. we kept playing phone tag. what got me the most was to find out that chuck was across the street from the motel I was staying at.

I got to meet all of the mutual friends we had except him and he was the one I made the trip to see. I have a cd of my band that was specifically for him that I wanted to deliver in person and it never happened. He and I had several late night phone conversations over the past 1 1/2 yrs possibly 2 the time just went so fast.I didn't realize it had been that long.

I knew of his hiv status when we first started talking about relationships. I told him I was more concerned about the man than his hiv status. I can't remember how many times when I would talk to him on how he made me laugh and just cheer up my day.I wish there were more men like him. He always had a good attitude even when he felt bad.What an amazing man.

If you would like I will send u the cd. just send me a mailing address that u trust to have it sent to.I know u don't know me but from what I read on ur log I want u to have it. you have a great smile also. I hope someday u and I can meet so u can tell me more about the man in person.I already know a lot from talking to him on the phone and I would have loved to have had him as a partner. I hope that a good man stepped into his life and gave him the love he so deserved. I never got to. just on the phone. LOL

The last letter I got from him. He told me of the stroke and the difficulty he was having just to be able to type and let me know; that he was moving out of SF and it would probably be the last letter I would receive. I think he had found the man of his life.If he had found the man I'm so sorry that it was so short lived. I have learned from Chuck that it is better to have had that whirlwind love relationship than to not ever let anyone into ur life at all.

Chuck gave me that advice when I was talking to him about a man I was seeing in Dallas. It was a whirlwind and I got dumped the first time he found someone younger and made a lot more money than me.

Chuck was my sounding board and me his for the short time I knew him. I will miss our conversations and I know all that got to be with him in person will miss him greatly.

I think he would say life is a continous circle as we ride that circle be the best influence on the lives u touch and greet everyone with a smile and a big ole bear hug and let them know u appreciate them for who they are.

Rob thanks so much for the letter. Hugs and Kisses to u all my friends in SF.

Sincerely, Jammey

An Irish Prayer for you my friend...

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Everything remains as it was.
The old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no sorrow in your tone.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.
All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting, when we meet again.

Rob,

My name is Pam, and I recently found your web page and learned of Chuck Barricman's passing last year. I worked with Chuck in the late 80's early 90's and saw him nearly everyday. His office was right across the hall from mine. My husband and I were guests at the log house in the Tahoe National Forest, and we house sat a couple of times while Chuck and Larry were away. We loved it there too. Although we lost contact when we moved to Southern California, I will always treasure my great memories of Chuck.

When I picture him in my mind, I think of his smile first and then his laugh. Any situation seemed brighter when Chuck was there. We often went out to lunch together or with a group, and whether it was pizza, Chinese or a picnic at the park, if Chuck was there, it was fun. At that time, I was just learning about computers, and I looked for him if I got stuck. As we both loved hearing and telling stories, we had great conversations. On client calls, I was always glad he was with me.

You wrote that sometimes you feel you are the only one who remembers him now. Even though it is easy to feel that way, I want to assure you it's not true. I'll never forget him or stop thinking of him and smiling when I do. There is a wonderful group here that provides meals to those who have AIDS. Every year they have a Christmas tree, and the decorations are paper hearts on which people can decorate or dedicate to a loved one or write a message. In the past I have put two hearts on that tree: one in memory of my mother who died of a stroke 5 years ago and another for a dear friend who died of AIDS 20 years ago. This year, I will add a third for Chuck.

Thank you for keeping your online journal, so I could read it and read about Chuck, and thank you for reading my email and letting me share some thoughts about him. I'm still trying to realize he is gone. I'm glad he had you. I would love to hear from you if you have a chance to write.

Pam

Hi Rob -

I happened to be on xxxx [and saw] the link for 'feistybear' and was stunned to see it was Chuck. My deepest condolences to you and everyone in Chucks life.

I knew Chuck for several years from the mid 80's to the mid 90's - when last I saw him at a rodeo, sometime probably around 1996. I worked with Chuck (and Larry) when we all worked at Western International Media. I worked out of the Los Angeles office. Chuck and Larry worked out of the SF office on Pacific. I stayed with Chuck and Larry at their house up in Nevada city for a few days when I was up in SF for work. I went up there several times and had fun with them after work many times too. I left WIM in1996 and then didn't see Chuck very much except for at rodeo's every now and then. I believe I even met you once while with him.

I could share several stories with you about Chuck. Suffice it to say that they would probably echoe some of the ones you already have on the website you created for him - kudos to you for doing that!! Chuck was known as many things at work - a hothead, a fireball, not able to keep his mouth shut, a sweetheart, very giving, outspoken... lol ... I think you get the idea .... he definitely spoke his mind and I always admired him for that, as I would have liked to do the same many times.

Well, I'm not sure what more to say at this point except that he will always be missed. We need more men like him around.

My best to you.... Regards, Jay